Shoes: Some Awful, Some Not Awful

Holy sheeeyt, y'all! It's a shoe roundup!

Of course, we begin with some horbsness thanks to Irregular Choice, always dependable in the Horbsness department.

($199, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Is this just a New York phenomenon, or is the black and gold liquor store bag distributed universally? Anyway, these look like someone took an otherwise perfectly good healthy heel and suffocated it by tying on a liquor store bag. Without the shitty faux chap or whatever that abomination is, this shoe could be adorable with the striped platform and bow in the bag. Alas, it's not to be.

($132, Dru New York)

Just perfectly beautiful, perfectly perfect winter heels. Too bad Dru isn't sold online. Weepy.

($252, Rachel Comey, Oaknyc.com)

These are such a trainwreck that I almost oddly love them? But maybe I hate them? Mainly they're horrible? I love Rachel Comey, but these are pretty wrong.

($87, Oh Deer! Shoes.com)

For some odd reason, I like these, though I could see buying them and never having anything to wear with them. Love the Louboutin-from-afar red soles!

($55, Asos.com)

These are absolutely rip-shit ridiculous. It's also extremely discouraging that they're actually SOLD OUT, meaning that enough people DIDN'T find these horrendous.

($144, Ted Baker, Asos.com)

What? Oh my GOD, NO! They look like they're being held together by twine!

($121, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Just unfuckingbelievable. Wear these to your next ecstacy-fueled Victorian orgy.

($99, Steve Madden)

Appropriately enough, these embarrassments are called "Hustler," and them come in 20 different shades, each more horrendous than the next! An award of distinction goes out to the horrendous "foil" family, which includes silver and gold, and the patents: fuschia (shown above), deep red, purple, cognac and more! Collect 'em all!

($221, Harlot, Asos.com)

Appropriately enough, these are by Harlot. So so so bad. Why is it so hard to remember that denim is for JEANS ONLY! And the OCCASIONAL jacket. Don't get it twisted, people!

($276, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Normally I'm not into cuffs or anything remotely Mary Jane-ish, but I love the colors and how the beige offsets the patent leather. Totes wants!

($132, KG, Asos.com)

Um, these are sorta maybe the most perfect jeweled flats ever.

($474, Nanette Lepore, Shoes.com)

Chocolate brown footwear isn't usually my thing, nor are little punchy perforations and lace ups, so it's odd that I find myself attracted to a boot that consists of all three. Yet I like these.

Yay! I know they're kinda last season, but for the 99.8% of us who can't afford the real thing:

($940, Burberry Prorsum, Nordstrom)


($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Oaknyc.com)

.... Jeffrey Campbell has graciously knocked them off for us! Kbyenow!